just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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