my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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