made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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