Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize