Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
