Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
