This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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