When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
