I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
