Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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