How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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