I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
