My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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