You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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