There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
they need to just BURY HIM!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
