When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize