drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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