We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
