i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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