So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
