mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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