You made me cry and you don't even care
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
