The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
