in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
