i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize