You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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