Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I believe in your delicious
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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