this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
