Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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