if i can run in heels then i can drive
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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