You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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