Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
