If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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