You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
