If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
