You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
