She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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