I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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