Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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