I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
