I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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