A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
