a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
