the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
