Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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