Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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