he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
