remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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