I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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