there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
