In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We left an ass print on the piano.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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