hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize