FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize