I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
